53 Examples of Funny Oxymoron Quotes

• I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol
• Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. - Anthony Haden-Guest
• She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on. - Arthur Baer
• I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton
• You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton
• The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it. - Donald Trump
• I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing. - Edith Konecky
• I hate people but I love gatherings. - Edna St. Vincent Millay
• Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw
• Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. - Irene Peter
• Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings
• We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac B. Singer
• I can resist everything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde
• It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain
• I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. - Oscar Wilde
• The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W.C. Fields
• I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Winston Churchill
• I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra
• Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? - Yogi Berra

Samuel Goldwyn, a very influential movie producer during the 1920's through the 1950's, was famous for his humor. Here are a few of his funny oxymorons:

• A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
• Include me out.
• A hospital is no place to be sick.
• Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
• Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.
• Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.
• Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
• If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!
• It’s more than magnificent-it’s mediocre.
• If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.
• I’ll give you a definite maybe.
• If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.
• I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them five years.
• I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
• I was always an independent, even when I had partners.
• I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
• I can give you a definite perhaps.
• It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.
• Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
• I never liked you, and I always will.
• Spare no expense to save money on this one.
• The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
• Tell them to stand closer apart.
• When told his son was getting married: Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
• We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

• It went over like a lead balloon.
• Thank God I’m an atheist.
• We are not anticipating any emergencies.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• I’m not going to say, “I told you so.”
• May I ask a question?
• This report is filled with omissions.
• Click the 'Start' button to shut down the computer.
• Spontaneity is good as long as it is controlled.

For more examples, check out Examples of Oxymorons.